Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amy Winehouse says her body has been through so much she probably can't get pregnant. Darwin wins again.

   Craigslist removed its' "Adult Services"section. Headline should read, "No one to ever use Craigslist again".

   If you say the word "douche" fast and repetitively, it will sound like the beat of a techno song that some douche would definitely love.

   Barack Obama's tweets are too official. Just once I'd like to see something like: "Just took a Biden-sized dump".

   I feel like "cheeseburger" works better as a noun than as an adjective.

   My therapist told me that whenever I'm panicking or involved in a serious situation; the best solution is to take deep breaths.... Ok... Now what if I'm drowning?...

   has decided not to call them BRAs from now on and instead refer to them as BOOBIE TRAPS! coz it just sounds more fun to say

   Does this rag smell like Chloroform?

   Great door signs: Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix. Septic tank truck: Yesterday's meals on wheels. Plumber's office: We repair what ur husband fixed. Tire shop: Invite us to ur next blowout. Electrical shop: Let us remove ur shorts.

   Dance like the photo's not being tagged, Love like you've never been unfriended, Status Update like nobody's following.

   Walk a mile in my shoes... Then walk another mile... In fact, just keep the shoes and keep walking.

   This day would have started better if one of you had brought me coffee in bed.

   I wonder if anyone else feels like their life is a series of bloopers and outtakes.

   Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

   after watching the Maryland/Navy game, I have to say that I am a little concerned about national security. I mean, the armed forces should be able to strategize better than anyone, right?!?

   I dream of the day that I can put my true strengths on my resume and these skills be appreciated. "So I see here you're a bird's eye shot with a rubberband and can pluck a fly out of the air with your bare hands. You Sir, are what we called hired!"

   There's no sexual Carfax report. This seems like something we should be working on. It would take online dating to a whole new level.

   During a job interview, when I get asked what my weaknesses are, I always want to say "Beautiful blondes and whiskey."

   You know your friends are starting to mature when you wake up on a random couch after a crazy house party and there's no d!ck drawn on your face.

   My cat must have eaten an entire Reggae band, the darn thing keeps hoiking up dreadlocks!