Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?

   I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.

   Wonder if D was told the brain was an app, he start using it.

   I have been on hold for the past ten minutes!! If I ever find the guy who invented automated telephone systems, I'm going to give him a choice - Press 1 to be kicked in the a$$, Press 2 to be pushed off a cliff or Press 3 to go to jail.

   I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to hell.

   Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.

   I planted a loaf of Ezekiel bread. It grew into a tree filled with cuckoo birds quoting verses from the Old Testament.

   A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing

   Mexican hookers plan to drill glory holes in Trump's wall.

   Don't run with bagpipes, you could put an aye out. Or worse, you could get kilt.

   it me or people who moved to a warmer weather have nothin to say on their post expect weather??

   Boobs are like the sun, you can take a quick look but it's dangerous to stare.

   A plumber's job can draining.

   We don't appreciate all these redneck, inbreeding stereotypes. Ain't that right, Uncle Dad?

   When we go shopping, my wife thinks that I am bored because I constantly keep looking at my phone

   "Shutting the hell up about your diet" is also a way of losing calories

   There was a time when Women used to dress to to impress men these days Women dress to irritate other Women

   I am really not surprised that there are not many women race car drivers, Women drive all over town like race car drivers anyway

   Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new picture for my facebook profile.

   The best way to make your kids understand the whole idea of paying taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream