Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the creators of Words with Friends took a peek at my score they would totally accept FUCT as a word.

   If you say "That reminds me of a good story," I automatically think "This story's gonna suck."

   Part of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don't listen to that guy. He's drunk."

   I'm in love with my bed. But my alarm clock won't let us be together.

   I've adopted a highway. Well, technically, I just drive like I own it.

   To err is divine. To blame it on someone else shows presidential potential.

   You look as guilty as a pedophile on parole at Chucky Cheese.

   The government knew those planes were coming!!!! why not shoot them

   So I saw an old women on a little pink bicycle a few min. ago.....i think she has proven her eligibility for the thug life.

   sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.

   CNN tried to blame me for 9-11. On that day I turned on the tv and the guy said " if you're just turned on your tv,the world trade center has been destroyed".

   you know you are on facebook too much if there are no new status message since the last time you logged in..and you have over 700 friends

   Post this if you know (or are related to) someone who suffers from stupidity. Stupidity is a real condition and should be taken seriously. There is no known cure for stupidity but we can raise awareness. 93% won't post this because they won't know how.

   It's not always rainbows and butterflies. It's compromise that moves us along.

   If it's warm, wet, sticky and NOT yours??? DON'T TOUCH IT!

   All bleeding stops……..eventually

   Nothing witty to be posted.....(wait for it).....today :|

   People keep telling me the right man will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

   Yoko Ono will once again oppose the parole of Mark David Chapman - the man who shot and killed John Lennon 30 years ago. Perhaps she ought to rethink that - I hear Chapman has a Jonas Brothers obsession now.

   A fat chick served me at McDonalds earlier. She said, "Sorry about the wait". I said, "Don't worry darl, you'll lose it eventually".