Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say when you're looking for something you lost. It's always found in the last place you look. Of course it is. Who would keep on looking for it?

   I'm pretty apathetic, so I'm getting a tattoo that says "Shrug Life"

   When a kitten is chasing shadows it's all "Aww's" but when I do it, all I get is strange looks & pointing.

   The difference between the company I work for and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the OUTSIDE.

   Shout out to all the motel maids changing the sheets and the plumbers unclogging the hair filled drains this morning.

   I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do they tilt their head in pictures ?

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it Box Wine and not Cardboardeaux?

   Back when I was in high school, we didn't have guns to shoot people. We used our fists!

   Countries should not send athletes to the Olympics as a reward, but should send stupid people as a punishment. Your annoying coworker? Ski jumping. Natural selection as its best

   Pro-tip: sadness is for people who are awake or sober.

   What's this? A building is on fire? Not to worry. I'll stop the fire with my thoughts and prayers.

   Hey Trump, if you want to tax something, tax luxury cars, rolex's diamonds, etc. Regular people can't afford another gas tax.

   Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.

   Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you're up to. :)

   Money may not buy happiness. But it take the sting out of being miserable.

   Once the authorities say the shooter suffers from mental issues, then you automatically know its code for he is a white male.

   جمعية البراري, translation “l f@&k goats”

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button

   In ancient greece, throwing an apple at a woman , was considered a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.......Still it is on.......Throw an Apple iPhone 8 & she will definitely say YES

   If men Honestly answered facebook question ; What's on your mind? Facebook would turn into a pornsite