Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.

   My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks smell like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad or not.

   "We be bobsleddin'." The Winter Olympics Bobsled Team

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year

   I always carry a flute with me in case I see deer or rabbits frolicking in a sunny meadow.

   Valentine's Day coming up. I got chocolate covered Plan B's. HMU

   I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

   If dentist make money from people with bad teeth. Why should we use a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them reconmend?

   People don't notice the things that you do for them untill you stop doing them.

   I tell kids in high school if you wanna feel what its like to be drunk. Just spin around in circles as fast as you can for 15 seconds and try to walk a straight line after.

   Salt and sugar look the same. Be careful who you trust.

   I went to the Grocery store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. These guys are marketing genius

   Oh, my bad. It's Ash Wednesday, with an 'h'... Sorry, honey. You can go back to sleep.

   Happy Valentines Day to the happy couple, Donald Trump & Stormy Daniels.

   I just received a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order, but still....

   I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.

   Cupid. That makes sense to me, because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   For the past 20 years I've got a valentine card from a secret admirer. And was sad when I didn't get one this year. Frist my meemaw dies, now this.

   I've kicked Stormy Daniels out of bed more times than I can remember.