Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5597 of 6370
Someone once said to me "You use to be normal.." I looked behind me and said "Who the hell are you talking to?"
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09-17-2010 20:35
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If you water your lawn and wash your car in the rain, smiling and waving as you do it, your neighbors will leave you alone.
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09-17-2010 19:42
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I feel like X and Z are the cool letters sitting in the back of the alphabet, only showing up in words they like.
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09-17-2010 19:40
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I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
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09-17-2010 19:40
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Don't forget, every hand you shake has recently wiped an ass.
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09-17-2010 19:39
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The Wonderbra has truth in advertising. She takes it off, I wonder where the boobs went.
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09-17-2010 19:38
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I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses.
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09-17-2010 19:38
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Never do anything for money. Unless it's a lot of money. Then do anything.
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09-17-2010 19:37
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If I were president the first thing I'd do is put Kansas City in Kansas.
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09-17-2010 19:37
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Everybody has a box somewhere with some weird sh*t in it.
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09-17-2010 19:36
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I hate auto flush sh*tters. All that work without being able to see the result just seems like a waste.
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09-17-2010 19:35
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Why burp when you can fart? You're cheating your ass out of a good time.
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09-17-2010 19:30
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I'm dving behind someone who is obviously scared of his gas pedal.
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09-17-2010 19:29
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If America had a slogan it'd be "Don't bother me, I'm eating."
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09-17-2010 19:28
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I'm working on my resume. Should I use the term "mad skillz" or would "mad skills" be more formal?
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09-17-2010 19:27
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It's fun to email news headlines to a buddy when a hurricane has the same name as his ex. "Hermine leaves trail of destruction", "Hermine won't stop blowing in Gulf Coast". Yeah, that's her alright.
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09-17-2010 19:21
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Those high powered hand dryers are awesome for getting your hands dry in three seconds, and as an added bonus I now know what my hands would look like if they ever went sky diving.
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09-17-2010 19:20
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Since M&M's have been saturating the market with various different types of flavors and centers, here's an idea for them: put mini M&M's inside regular ones and voilĂ ! M&M's Pregnants.
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09-17-2010 19:18
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No grandma, the term "hung like a horse," has nothing to do with being hungry. Please stop saying that before you get us kicked out of here.
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09-17-2010 19:16
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my pants are like a cheap hotel, no ballroom
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09-17-2010 19:13
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