Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up on brain-dead zombies. Oh wait. Sorry, wrong channel. This is "The View".

   All I'm saying is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any illegal Mexicans.

   Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

   Norwey is one of the richest countries per Capita in the World! Why would they want to come to your s**thole country, USA?

   You learn something new every day. Countries that have 90% poverty and you cant drink the water are paradise, instead of the $h1tholes we though they are.

   Look son, you march right back in there and take that Batman costume off. I'm the Batman of the family and YOU KNOW IT!

   Women drivers be like Did I just run over someone?

   "One day, I hope to travel to Botswana to gonto school and become a success sonmy children will have it easier than I did" siad no one, ever.

   Maybe someone should tell Bowflex we don't want our living room smelling like a gym.

   I took my wife to the dog show and she won.

   Q: How do you play the ISIS bingo? A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

   I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   Please don’t suggest a product to me that’s not available at Walmart.

   Any single women looking to sexually abuse a grown man, asking for a friend. . .

   If only tru mp called them sh1t$shows, then no one would be mad.

   I wouldnt want to live in the s**thole even if it was called Hati

   My last exam was a bigger failure than FOX's show, Son of Zorn.

   Look, all I am saying is that you never see The Predator and Whoopi Goldberg in the same room at the same time.

   I changed my passwords to incorrect, so when I forget it tells me. Your password is incorrect. . .

   I was driving down the road this morning and swerved to avoid a banana peel. See mom me playing Mario Kart in my room all day when I was younger paid off.