Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't win an argument with someone, correct their grammar instead

   "Turn right at the next corner and your destination shall be on your left. But dwell not upon the destination, for it is the journey which is important." - Zen GPS

   French onion soup is just regular onion soup that doesn’t shave its armpits

   I should probably return these videos to Blockbuster.

   i went to the doctors this morning and accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents from home alone felt.

   I realized I wasn't my parents favorite kid when they ask me to help blow up ballonns for my twin brother's surprise birthday party.

   A man's home is his castle. Untill the queen comes home.

   Neighbor are the only one who lissen to both side of an argument.

   Women have better minds then men because the keep changing their minds.

   A dog can only be as proportionally smart as its owner. So, if you're a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger, there's no hope for you, and even less for your dog.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you" so I said "because my tweets are funny" We laughed and high-fived & now I'm in Jail

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there

   No Offence but I find it funny when deaf people get scared when i'm yawning infront of them

   My Ex was so ugly that when she went to a nude beach she was asked to cover her face

   Know how old I am? I still owe Blockbuster $2 for not rewinding St. Elmo's Fire.

   Back in the days I remember passing chewing gum in school was like drug dealing

   Just had a bowl of generic Frosted Flakes. They’re grrrrrrrr.......okay I guess.

   I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

   I'll bet if two antennas fell in love, the wedding wouldn't be anything special, but the reception would be excellent.

   I see on Twitter that January 13 is National Rubber Duck Day. On Wikipedia I learned that this bill was signed into law by President Ford in 1975 after it barely squeaked through the senate.