Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you were born in september. There a good chance your parents started the new year with a bang.

   Happy new year! The south still lost the civil war.

   Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

   It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.

   It's so cold, I actually saw a gangsta pull his pants up.

   It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.

   Never tie your shoelaces in Paris.

   Whew ... made it through December and managed to stay below Venezuela’s debt level

   I told my wife that before the dogs and I go out, she needs to give us the 3rd Degree. Because at least 3 degrees is warmer than what ever it is currently in the Tundra called the midwestern U.S.

   Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think about you I play with my weiner!

   I am starting a GoFundMe to buy popcorn tomorrow night at the movies

   This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

   It's so cold outside, I just saw a fox trying to jump-start another fox.

   - 2018 starts with a full moon - 2018 is the year of the dog I’m onto you, werewolves.

   Heard there was a kidnapping at the school. Untill the teacher woke him up.

   It's so cold out that I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant

   It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

   So cold don's toupee flew south for the winter

   On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.