Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is 2017 -- we don't say Gingerbread Man, we say "light-skinned spicy gender-neutral person" bread now

   I like salad best when it is simplified down to the most basic ingredients and smothered in hamburger

   More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car

   Actually, I would probably do anything else but show up to a gunfight

   panicked thinking -- did I leave the fireplace video running?

   If you say "holiyay" in front of me I'll stab you in the heart.

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop

   "I've lost my contacts" is the new "I've got a new phone."

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same ?

   The fatter the chick, the bigger the psycho.

   Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better

   What ever kind of medicine Nancy Pelosi is taking doesn't seem to be working.

   I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with a hot cup of coffee!

   Have you ever read a book or watched a movie that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that….

   God is love, but Lucifer does that thing with his tongue.

   Xmas idea: let your child watch Chucky, then explain Elf on the Shelf

   "Oh wow, it's a fruit cake! I'm going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.

   Once again this year, Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.

   According to this ancestry dot com report, you come from a long line of fools and their money spent on reports

   That awkward time when you post something on Facebook that nobody likes...