Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.

   She just needs a shot of vitamin D.

   Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.

   Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife?

   Sometimes you can just tell it's going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.

   Brexiters who’ve spent 18 months saying ‘you lost, get over it’ are still waiting to discover what they’ve won.

   Does the "Baby On Board" sign help us decide which car not to hit ?

   "Baby On Board" sign help us look for a baby in case of an crash and the parents are unconscious.

   Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.

   Medicated, caffeinated, irritated. Just give me my coffee, give me my computer, and leave me the hell alone.

   Doctor - "how is your headache" Patient - "She is fine."

   If becoming "religious" has made you more judgmental, rude, harsh or a backbiter, you need to check again if you are worshiping God or your Ego

   The only reason I am fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality

   LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

   Music is much more enjoyable if you listen with your eyes shut. It is also more enjoyable if the people sitting near you would listen with their mouths shut

   My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it

   I think Rudolph's wife was named Olive... Like in "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."

   When I first met my wife she told me she was bi. I didn't realize until much later she meant polar.

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.