Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

   The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

   From now on I'm boycotting Shampoo....I demand REALPoo!!!!

   I'm always hearing stories of people posting "Inappropriate" pics on Facebook....Why are none of YOU showing me nude pics my friends????

   Thank God Facebook is back on-line! How would I ever find out what everyone had for dinner. Chicken souvlaki. BTW.

   Funny Headline: "Red Tape Holds Up Bridges"

   # # When it comes to poker...a good deal depends on a good deal.

   SPIRITUAL PEOPLE ENLIGHTEN ME, RELIGIOUS PEOPLE FRIGHTEN ME

   hey it`s Friday , lets get pissed !

   Rock is dead; LONG LIVE PAPER!

   The only thing that keeps me from losing my mind is........ Hold up... I'll get back to you on that...

   Old enough to know better. Young enough not to care!

   I think the kid's gotten too big and fat for the show to be able to call itself "Two and a Half Men" anymore.

   I'd love to have sat in the marketing analysis meetings that gave us our early cartoons. "You know what America would love? A batsh*t crazy woodpecker, that's what! And a pig, a stuttering f*cking pig!"

   I think a great name for an energy drink would be "F5." The tagline could be, "Hit the F5 to refresh!" Bask in the warmth of my genius.

   I think the part of the whole sexting craze that gives me the greatest sense of outrage is the part where I'm not involved in it at all.

   Back in the day, pirates used to raid armed ships, fight off trained swordsman for their gold, and survive on deserted islands with no other means of support. Now they sit in a chair and download movies. How far they have fallen?

   I sure am glad they give me a lead vest when they're giving me x-rays at the dentist. It gives the impression those rays must be dangerous. I'd hate to have something bad happen to my chest while I'm having dangerous x-rays shot into my head.