Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When these kids were saying on November 4th they were gonna be killing Nazis, were they talking about the new Call of Duty?

   I came into this world with nothing, and still have most of it.

   A cop came over and told me that my dog was chasing people on a bike....I told him, "Don't be ridiculous, my dog doesn't doesn't own a bike."

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] Me: I'm having an affair

   Gotta give credit where credit is due. Canada really schooled us in the UFC fight.

   Turn your clocks back to before Obama became president

   The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.

   My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.

   Only had to turn my clock back one hour instead of 20 years like I did last January

   "I'm sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ~ Angus Young of AC/DC

   No one is giving you free airline tickets, a week at Disney, a cruise or a cabin in the woods for a year. If you want those things, put down your GD phone, tablet or computer and get off your a$$ and earn them!!

   Trump just told the prime minister of Japan why a country of samurai warriors did not shoot down the N. Korea missiles. This is better than any reality show, LOL!

   I'm glad I grew up in an era where "active shooter" wasn't even an idea. I'm sad for today's youth where this is now a reality.

   ME: *putting two and two together* yep. it’s definitely four

   Look at that! I'm too late, perfect timing.

   I'd wait in line to slap you for waiting in line for the new iPhone.

   When I see you in hell I'll still ignore you

   I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

   So where am I supposed to put my rage when I’m driving?

   *takes a long drag from a cigarette *points at your baby What's wrong with your dog?