Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My awkward silences are just warm up for my awkward conversations.

   "No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious." -George Bernard Shaw

   When life gives you scurvy, you’re going to wish you kept those lemons.

   Original jokes are like girlfriends. I don't have one.

   I've been building my son's trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I'm going to hit him with a "too slow". Welcome to the real world, son.

   I have a coffee table in my house. It's decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.

   My dog Max has a problem with chasing people on a bike. It finially reached a point yesterday where I had to take his bike away.

   I walked into the library yesterday and asked if they had the reference work.."Calcification Of The Spine"...The librarian said..."I've got a hardback"...I said..."Yeah...that's the one...thank you!!"

   If you’re a security guard at Samsung does that make you a Guardian if the galaxies ?

   It's October...Which means it's time for people to put up the Christmas decorations they took down in July.

   I just checked on my Farmville after 3 years. It's now a Wal-mart

   If a pregnant woman is swimming, does that make her a human submarine?

   If you say the Flag and National Anthem are no big deal, but you get upset about a statue of a dead guy that died before your parents were born, then you are the ones that have issues

   Does anybody know which McDonald's that Colin Kaepernick is working at ? I have a friend that wants his Autograph.

   Teddy Kennedy, Slick Willie, & Harvey Weinstein...all champions for women's rights!

   If the left truly cared about women, they'd be speaking out against Weinstein....but nothing but crickets!

   Harvey Weinstein is a woman hating jerk. I hope he never makes another dime again.

   Yeah, the coach doing cocaine makes the NFL look so innocent huh libtards?

   Didn't know Dolphins do coke. Do they turn their heads upside down?

   For Halloween I'm going to wear a t-shrit with the word life on it and hand out lemons.