Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you don't remember someones name, you wait for someone else to say it so you can pretend like you knew it all along.

   I didn't get your call really means "I hate you, stop calling me."

   When I die, I give you permission to change my status to, "is dead."

   We have all experienced the pain of watching a slow typer.

   It's recycling day and based on the bin I just put out, there's a fraternity that I don't know about living somewhere in my house.

   I hate when I look in the mirror and see an adult.

   I'm off to hit the treadmill. If it doesn't break or hit me back, I may even walk or run on it.

   I hate waiting for someone to illegally upload so I can illegally download.

   The only thing worse than being up at 6am is still being up at 6am.

   stop taking life so seriously, noone is getting out alive anyway...

   not suffering from insanity. Hes embracing every second of it.

   staring at goats.

   running behind at work because of all these TPS reports...

   MNF = When the DOLPHINS go 3-1 and Tom Brady wishes he rather be at the salon getting rid of that "bieber" hair....

   When someone "pokes" you, I wish you could respond with a "stab directly in the heart"

   If you can read this then it's your lucky day. I did my monthly Facebook friend deletions and you made the cut! Good Luck next month. ;)

   Look at your man. Look at me. Look back at your man. Now look at me. What are we selling. I'm confused. Blame the mushrooms. I'm on a horse.

   I've realized the older women get, the more likely they are to have a tissue or a bandaid when I needs one.

   the chick on my GPS told me she wants to see other cars

   just kissed my man, stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breath of fresh air, sipped my coffee, looked up, waved to neighbor, perfect morning! What could go wrong? Crap! forgot to put pants on!