Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What is only a small box, but weighs over 250 pounds? A scale

   The goal keeper in soccer is allowed to pick up the ball...so why doesn't he just pick it up and just run across the field to the other goal?

   Ted Cruz likes porn.

   Hurricane Irma rescuers, rescues air jordans from rising flood water at a foot locker store.

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner and facial recognition software. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people at the NSA are dancing like little school girls right

   I’ve come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego.

   Many people have told me that waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great..... But I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better. Just sayin'....

   One of the best feelings ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple more hours to sleep.

   Another good feeling. Waking up and realizing that it's sunday and not monday morning. AAAAAH......zzzzzzz.

   911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.

   I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file. Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

   [after a rap battle] hey how did you know all that stuff about my mom?

   [at an orgy] I'm starting to think that I'm the only one taking this book club seriously

   I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."

   People say Donald Trump's plan to build a wall across the Mexican border is ridiculous. Really? Well, parts of the Great Wall of China were built around 700BC. Do you see any illegal Mexicans in China? I didn't think so.

   How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?

   Warning to parents of young children. Why does Play-Doh say "fun to play with, not to eat" then make 1000 accessories that all make it shaped like food?

   Women who have breast implants have delusions of glandular.

   In 1813 Women had no rights. In 1913 women had some rights. In 2013 women think they're always right.