Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: I'm going to have a baby! What do you hope it is? Husband: April Fools Day?

   I really wouldn't be worried about Hurricane Jose, there's no way Trump will let him into the country....

   If you stubbed your toe, it probably was Trump's fault

   watching football the same way Colin Kaepernick does... sitting on my couch

   Florida is going to be covered in stripper glitter and cocaine pretty soon.

   My boss wants me to go to Time Management training today. Yeah, like I'm really going to be able to squeeze that into my already overloaded schedule.

   I went to a psychic to get my fortune told, but I realized she was a fraud the minute she accepted my check.

   The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.

   Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone's throat.

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   From the smell of things, people should be more concerned with underwear change than climate change.

   Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??

   I think Aliens are controlling the climate that's why we have to put an end to DACA

   You can either be an illegal or go to college in the USA but you can't do both

   Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.

   Hurricanes ✔️ Fires ✔️ Tiger running loose ✔️ Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up

   Sometimes, I just want to give it all up for 4 fried chickens and a Coke.

   I call my girlfriend Crisco. She thinks it means she's white and smooth. It really means she's fat in the can.

   When I die, I wanna die like my grandpa, peacefully in my sleep... not yelling and screaming like the passengers he was driving around

   Don’t stare directly at the hurricane without your Official 2017 Hurricane Glasses.