Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - Question: Why do they call hand-cuffs, hand-cuffs if they're placed on your wrists?

   Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.

   I like to let my kids do everything other parents are yelling at their kids to stop doing.

   No wife ever shot her husband for doing the dishes.

   Why is it that the same people who are upset about a sports announcer named Robert Lee were perfectly OK with a president whose middle name was Hussein?

   Maybe we need a wall along the gulf coast!!

   Wish me luck. I'm about to tell this highway it's adopted.

   M&M Mars are stupid if they don't shoot a commercial featuring Mayweather and McGregor.

   What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!

   Carnival Cruise Lines just announced tomorrows ship departure has been moved to Gate 6A at Houston Intercontinental Airport...

   Apparently people in Texas are not taking Hurricane Harvey seriously....well duh, what kind of stupid name is that?....We need to ghetto it up....like "Hurricane Shaniqua"....she will rip your weave out just for looking at her.

   I'm not worried about the hurricane. Trump will stop it.

   They should make a "How It's Made" episode on how "How It's Made" is made.

   . Why is it that you park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway ?

   Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes.

   . The Afghanistan address trump gave monday was very similar to one that Obama gave. Trump needs to get a new speech writer.

   . I think mydog looks out the window when I leave for work to see that's it safe to lay on the sofa.

   . Have you heard the saying the truth will set you free? I told the judge the truth and got three years.

   My wife is so fat, that she only needs a cup of water in the tub to take a bath.

   The Quickest way to get a person to call you back. Take a bath.