Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Polarized glasses for sale. Not used at all. Need money for Powerball!!

   As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.

   I am tired of being judged by my color by people who complain of being judged by theirs

   Just wait until people figure out that Native Americans would purchase and trade African slaves for use...

   The eclipse was ok but when are we going to get swarms of locusts?

   A Patriots fan from Watertown Mass won the 700 million dollar Powerball jackpot. They probably figured out a way to cheat.........

   The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That's Cole's Law.

   Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors but furniture polish contains real lemons?

   I once dated a girl with only four toes on each foot. She was kind of cute but the relationship never went anywhere because I'm lack-toes intolerant.

   Chain letters via FB inbox, is a great way to promote viruses, not awareness for prostate cancer..... Stop Inbox Chain letters!!

   A woman is not an object, do not treat it like one!!

   There are two men on opposite sides of the earth. One is on a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting oral from an 85-year-old woman. Both are thinking the same thing. What? A. Don't look down.

   Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

   to the woman that won the powerball.."What's up baby"...

   Drunk Me: "You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day: UPS GUY: "Sir just sign for the package"

   I wish I could match my dog's excitement to go outside.

   45 minutes ago I took a bite of celery. I'm still chewing.

   "When I'm dead, I'd like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole." - Humans

   Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

   I can't believe someone would willingly have the sex with some of you people