Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."

   I'm patiently awaiting a Chris Cornell/Chester Bennington mashup.

   Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.

   I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.

   When OJ gets out, he going to kill it on Tinder.

   "Jesus loves you" is a nice thing to hear in church. But not in prison.

   I feel like everytime a Trump employee quits or gets fired, Oompa Loompas should appear and sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony and greed.

   I went to Disneyland but I don't remember it. I think somebody slipped me a Mickey at the snack bar.

   Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow's ass

   Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go

   I remember how it felt so good to turn my lights out for Earth Hour... On hindsight, I probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.

   I want to open a donut shop and call it Hole Foods.

   They put up signs on my street for "Slow Children." I knew these kids were stupid but damn, do they really need to advertise it????

   If the 2nd only covers muskets and cannons, then healthcare only covers band aids and tylenol. Libera@1 logic at its best.

   Why is lemonade made with artificial flavor, while furniture polish is made with real lemons?

   Patriot Act(342 pages) isn't patriotic. The Affordable Care Act(20,000 pages) isn't affordable, and The Net Neutrality Act(400 pages) won't be neutral. When the government tries to spin something as good, you should expect the exact opposite.

   Attention Everyone: Hillbilly is really Re-run. Don't be fooled by Hillbilly's lies.

   If health care is a right then why don't I have the right to refuse it with. That is the different between a Right and a law boys and girls

   If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls

   Government should give us all free healthcare, it is our right.. This same government that has had a cure for cancer since the 60's, and still keeps it outlawed.