Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shouldn't a female Pit Bull be called a Pit Cow?

   My Great Great Great Grandfather Alex Would have turned 176 years old today. Please be aware of the dangers of Civil Wars.

   If you get a Facebook friend request from Lizzie Borden, don't accept it or you will be hacked.

   Like my Pappy always said: If you're going to do something, do it rihgt.

   Looks like the Apple doesn't fall far from the immature tree.

   How does a Trump supporter find his sister in the woods? Hot.

   Today this hot girl said "enjoy your pizza" and I replied "you too" now I can't go back there

   Netflix and hide from adult responsibilities

   My doppelgänger is a package of fried sausages soaking through the cover of a fitness magazine.

   Not to brag, but, I've already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.

   "Transparency" under current administration = getting caught

   GOP SENATORS: Please stop asking us about treason so that we can work on a historically unpopular bill that will lead to thousands of deaths

   DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here we see a weak male preparing for a lifetime of loneliness. [camera pans to me at a bar showing a girl my tweets]

   I pledged allegiance “to the Republic for Witches Stand” until the forth grade.

   Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they’re all panicked over who’s getting the ax.

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

   Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

   That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?