Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don't really have Tourette's.

   I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid. FML.

   Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?

   The most expensive special election in Georgia history is over. The Republicans are laughing their Ossoff.

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diahrea,does that mean 1 enjoys it?

   I have now survived 21,364 days and13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.

   After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.

   if you shave off your arm hair and it grows back to the exact same length, does that mean its twice as long as it was?

   My wife said if I don't get off this damn computer in 5 sec she is gonna smash my head on the keyboard lol I think she is just kidgidudckglblgtieeussyupjfufivi

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.

   I have an appointment tomorrow with a new proctologist. He's supposed to be a terrific doctor with a great butt-side manner.

   Go Fund Me accounts are for kids with a life threatening illnesses, not adults who are too ignorant to plan for their future...

   If there was no collusion, then there wouldn't be any obstruction of justice...

   Fun Fact: All the toilet paper in the NSA headquarters has the 4th Amendment printed on them.

   To all the "Type 'Yes' and share if you agree" posters: Shaddup.

   An American cop fearing for his/her life has a right to take yours even if that fear is unfounded.

   I pride myself on my vast collection of cruel, petty comebacks.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.