Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am all for the death penalty, but I think we should make it interesting and fun. Make it a game and play musical electric chairs. When the music goes off one chair gets a nice charge. . .

   I miss the good ole days of sitting on the porch at nite watching the bugs fry on the bug zapper. How we would laugh and laugh.

   Jeff Bezos: "Alexa. Buy me something from Whole Foods." Alexa: "Buying Whole Foods." Bezos: "$h!t."

   Hey dad, thanks for not pulling out..

   Happy Father's Day to all you mf'er's out there!

   I know a guy named Unique, has a twin brother.

   When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.

   I've figured out how to solve the problem of the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at veterans' funerals. We aim the 21-gun salute at them.

   let a blind guy borrow money tonight,he said he'll pay me back next time he see's me...wait a minute......

   Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13 billion. Ironically I think I spend $13 billion at Whole Foods also.

   A cop pulled me over and asked why I was driving so fast. I said you look like the cop my wife left me for and I was afraid you were bringing her back!

   Ahhh, the sound of silence on Twitter. I thought I'd never see the day.

   Scars are tattoos with better stories behind them.

   Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere

   The only thing worse than being stuck behind someone driving less than the speed limit is being the passenger of someone driving less than the speed limit.

   If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.

   Nearly 7K people die every day in the US alone. If you aren't one of them, thank your God, STFU and keep grinding!

   It's so hot outside that I almost called ex so I can be around someone shady.

   if I had a time machine id just keep going back to sleep

   Ever pee in the middle of the night with seat cover down.. 1st for everything :' D