Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things that make you go hmmmm: If Harry Potter's so magical, why can't he cure his own eyesight?

   Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.

   That's Crazy = The perfect response when you haven't been listening.

   Wouldn't it make more sense for Dell to make the cooling fan on the top of the keyboard area instead of having it reach searing temperatures on my lap due to lack of air flow? My name is ______ and common sense is my idea.

   Warning: going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.

   thinks it's funny that in about 40 years from now, there is going to be a lot of seniors walking around with tattoos.

   Every time I watch Titanic, I'm more convinced that if they had tried harder, Jack would've fit perfectly fine on that floating headboard.

   Aww c'mon...everybody knows ho is short for honey.

   Sometimes I think the world would be much better without so much technology. ~ Sent from my iPhone.

   trying to decide: laundry today or naked tomorrow?

   always right, never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.

   officially changing her TV remote's name to Waldo.

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better.

   If you don't like being tailgated, then don't play movies I like.

   's favourite fruit is grapes. With grapes, you always get another chance. If you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.

   Q: What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? A: Roberto.

   Guess Lesnar should have feared more then just the Diarrhea from Mexico

   literally there are some of you I want to hit in the face with a book, oh my god.

   how ironic would it be to choke on a lifesaver?

   Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."