Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see ur playing hard to get, now watch me play walk away.

   Relastionships are like yard sales. They might look good from a distance but close up its just a bunch of crap you dont need

   Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi

   Today's productivity is brought to you by Nescafé and fox's biscuits

   How come when your wifes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job!

   What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl?.........See, sometimes alcohol is the answer

   Sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street and say "YOU'RE IT!!" and then run away

   wants to do something different today so is thinking about sitting on the TV to watch the sofa!!!

   Machete Don't Facebook

   you better check yourself... before you wreck yourself.

   Don't you just hate it when you hop out the shower & the first thing you feel is that" I have to doo doo feeling " I swear poop has no respect at all !!!!

   For the whole month of November I'll be starting a new business. I'm going to give out free rebound sex to all of the heart broken females out there. I know.... I know.... It's a dirty job but somebody has to do it.

   Obama slogan went from " Yes We Can" to " Thought We Could".

   I am tired of being an adult... Can't I just play all day!?

   Really? If you can pee that high, DEFINITELY join the fire brigade. Yah

   What the f**k's wrong with your face?! Christ on a bike, next time you're smiling, warn me

   Genius - The ability to produce fantastic amounts of equally fantastic bullsh*t that all makes perfect sense

   How much for the frog? No, that one.... No, THAT one. Goddammit, how much for the frog, that one with the tail?... Well excuse me! How much for the lizard then

   Whoever invented calories is gonna get their face f***ed with ice cream cake.. .

   Buffalo wings? Are you insane? Those cows can't fly. It's a lie, I tell you