Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My brain is giving me the silent treatment.

   OMG, I"m in real trouble, if anyone asks, I was on Facebook all night, I think they finally found out what I did for that Klondike bar!!!!

   Mary Poppins did a great job getting kids to take there meds...Cause a spoon full of sugar really does help the medicine go down... Its just too bad all the kids she watched got Type 2 diabetes now...

   I don't know why some people are so irresponsible when it comes to paying bills. I mean like, I shouldn't be getting logged off the internet on my laptop just because my neighbor was late on paying his internet service... SMH..

   When I read about yet another overnight shooting in the ghetto I can't help but sigh at the senselessness and hope it wasn't my drug dealer.

   I don't have a dog, I eat my own homework.

   There is a day just for humping??!! Why wasn't I notified about this sooner?!

   wished there was o dislike button for pics posted in fb...:|

   Whoever thought that climbing into a box and doing their thinking there didn't come up with the best idea...

   When people I don't know ask me what I do for a living I shout "Karma," and punch them before running away.

   "Does size matter?" "Yes I told you 2 inches makes a huge difference. Now just buy the damn laptop dad, this conversation is creeping me out".

   thinking of spending the cab money on more shots and just taking the ambulance home

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   Confucius says: Crowded elevator smell different to midget

   thinks The McRib is made of the same fat they injected in Lisa Rinna's lips.

   Whats the purpose of a camouflage Snuggie? Do you plan on going to war with your AK-47 and your trusty snuggie? Look it has sleeves so you can shoot your self!!

   You couldn't get laid in a womens prison with a handful of pardons!

   Sorry homework - - TV wins again! It is just too temping :)

   best job in the world .... a pillow ,get to lay in bed all day and get head every night

   Im hiring a midget for a party. Any idea what they eat?