Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

   the awkward moment when an emo orders a happy meal at mcdonalds

   heard that the new GW Bush book is a pop-up picture book. Makes sense actually, an author always wants to meet the demographic/target audience.

   everybody always says, "say no to drugs," but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

   I must have ordered the "Johnny Cash" at Taco Bell cuz now I'm experiencing a "Ring of Fire" in the bathroom!

   Officer, why did you stop me for speeding? You see all those ahead of me? Clearly their the one's who are the speeders.

   "Has Anybody realized just how dirty Nutri Grain's Slogan(You Only Get Out What You Put In) is?

   Tenative Thanksgiving Menu: A little bit of small pox as an appetizer, some Mass Genocide as the main course, and finish it off with some forced relocation for dessert.

   Dear makers of poppies, as much as I respect the poppy and what it is a symbol of, I would have thought that you would have been able to make a more secure fastening device by now. And perhaps one that doesn't stab the wearer several times a day. I'm just

   if they are going to start putting graphic pictures on packs of cigarettes, then they should put deadly dui pics on liquor bottles

   Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets, to hell with these little packets.

   At the grocery store tonight, I looked down into our basket and realized we live with old people. :(

   Never mind being "Popular" in High School.... Now there's Facebook...

   Dear Tom Cruise: Life is what you make of it. Not what you make believe of it

   thinking the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

   thinks the incest rate across America must drop so much on nights like these ... You know, when they're all watching the Country Music Awards instead!

   HEY EVERYBODY ON FACEBOOK!! MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION!!....i'm so humble..ok..that is all...

   Zombie hunting, It't not just a sport, its survival!

   Opted for SWAT team costume for Halloween. Cheap and easy. It occurred to me, however, that I've got a toy weapon. Would that be Toy Weapons And Tactics? I don't think it would be copacetic to place the acronym on the shirt.

   know why McDonald's restaurants always smell so bad? 'cause the people that eat there poop there.