Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders why hedgehogs don't just share the hedge...

   if women ruled the world there would be no wars. just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   I stand in an elite group, Procrastinators! The leaders of tomorrow...

   As our lady of Disco, the divine Miss Gloria Gaynor has always sung to us: I will survive!!!

   heard practice at Cowboy Stadium was delayed 2 hrs after a player reported finding a white powdery substance on the ground. After a complete analysis, Dallas CSI forensic experts determined the white substance, unfamiliar to the players, was the goal line

   likes the fact that my boss is technologically handicapped. Now I have fed his number in the black list and he's off to get his phone repaired so that he can make calls to me.

   misses the days of Mystery Google.

   Just called in sick to work with Buck Fever.

   having dingy facial hair a requirement to be a boxer now?

   Why men should never take phone messages: "Your gyne colleges called. Your Pabst beer is OK. (I didn't know you liked beer!)"

   the biggest thing on a woman's panties should be the tag!!!!!

   Now that Pacquiao's won another fight, everyone wants to see him go up against Floyd Mayweather. But we all know there's no 'money' cuz we're in a recession.

   President Obama is asking if they can build a statue of Manny Pacquiao to scare off Mexicans from crossing the US border!

   thinks it's tricky when you're ignoring someone and they ask you if you're ignoring them.

   Biggest lie ever: "I have read the terms of conditions"

   A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing, but do a mother.

   I don't understand the concept of a Freudian slip. It doesn't make any sex to me at all.

   would really appreciate an Aussie Kiss right about now...Yep! Down Under!

   wondering why Miss Piggy always chased after Kermit the Frog, he's green and slimy and will probably give her warts!

   making sentences with the words liver and cheese... liver alone cheese mine!