Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's better to be with no one than to be with the wrong one

   Forgiving is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt.

   Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-laws peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

   Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon...everything's different.

   Face book keeps trying to get me to "meet up with local singles" I'm thinking how about NO Scott. seems to me like that could easily turn out to be a really really bad decision. lol watch out!! that beautiful 5'10 blonde with blue eyes might really be a 4

   It's normal for kids to play 'doctor.' Start worrying if you find them playing 'airport security.'

   Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

   Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

   You don't die from a broken heart - you only wish you did.

   There's a girl in my mirror crying tonight, and there's nothing I can say to make her feel alright.

   Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

   To all the people who think they don't need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?

   yo mamma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid

   Always remember that famous rich people poop just like the rest of us.

   The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she's never around when I'm awake.

   "It sure is nice to not be out shopping." - sane people

   Just bought someone I don't really like something they don't really need. But I saved 10 bucks!!

   I don't understand some people. It's Black Friday. I just passed a black family at Costco. I shook the father's hand and wished them all a Happy Holiday. The father asked me what's wrong with me.

   . If I flip this coin, what do you think my chances are of getting head?

   I'm so good at cooking, that the smoke alarm is cheering me on!