Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what I'd really like from a woman? Consent.

   All those women out there that thought 'I wish my fella was hung like a horse'. The chances are you have had one in your mouth anyway.

   Sequester Apocalypse? I don't even see any dead road kill on my morning drive to work. I want a refund.

   Thanks for ruining real honey for all of us, Boo Boo idiots.

   Oh Yeah we do it on the bed, on the couch, in the bathroom, standing up, and even in the car! Yep We Loooovvveee to Text!:)

   I am confident but not 'propose to my girlfriend of 2 months live on TV' confident.

   Thinking of renewing my vow... to never get married again...

   I still do nice things for people even though they're a$$holes.. I guess that's my superpower.

   They dont want you to know marijuana....but I do :)

   Some of you even make me question my insanity.

   Thinking that a woman will never cut your heart out and slice it into cute little pieces for her next lover is so cute and naive.

   Whoever coined the term "Poor little old lady" has obviously never shouted out.... B I N G O!!

   A Valentine's Day tanning bed trip.  Because nothing says "I love you" quite like "I wish you were different."  Way to go Don Juan.

   Feel the pain of 9.99999 Karma points *smack*

   well, so much for the world ending....i even charged my phone and installed the battery saver app!

   my moneys on the Mucho Macho Man in the Preakness cause the real Macho Man Randy Savage will be snappin in to a slim jim from above~ OOH YEAH!!

   Things a woman should know first before we start dating - My fav beer is your fav beer, My fav team is your fav team, you can have freewill on everything else.

   I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect

   Facebook -- a place to indulge your ADD and OCD all in one place.

   The cover of my book will be a sledge hammer about to crush a engagment ring! That, or a close-up of me in a fetal position sucking my thumb.