Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

   Will he stay or will he go? Seems like President Mubarak must have the same publicist as Carmelo Anthony...

   Dear Curiosity, Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, the Cat.

   A dog can only be as proportionally smart as its owner. So, if you're a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger, there's no hope for you, and even less for your dog.

   I was lost and yes I did go looking but I did not find you Cyndi Lauper. Glad I didn’t fall.

   You know its sad when your mother is on facebook and guys younger than you are poking her

   I just read something that said, "Don't believe everything you read." I'm not sure if I should believe it.

   I don't understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake

   Nothing around here makes sense. If something did make sense it wouldn’t make sense because in order to make sense it can’t make sense. Am I making sense?

   I am really not surprised that there are not many women race car drivers, Women drive all over town like race car drivers anyway

   My bank has this cool feature, whenever I want, they send me a text message with my Account balance. I do however think that adding "LOL" at the end of the message is really unnecessary

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. For skills I possess when shaving my nuts that I could apply to other aspects of my life!

   now officially talking to myself but somehow I hear busy signals in my ears. I wonder if I can get call waiting?? Wait... Maybe its better I dont answer myself.

   When I was a kid we use to have wonder at times who are real friends were, but nowadays all you have to do is delate your facebook account and see who calls.

   If he say he is busy on valentines day, you're the other woman.

   I just bought a robotic vacuum cleaner that not only works great it allows me to get something productive done while looking at facebook!

   why is everyone working out? is there a war coming that I don't know about?

   My goal is to accomplish something productive each and every day! Oh but wait, first I have to logout of Facebook.....

   Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

   Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: why are you leaving? -me, watching an Avengers movie with my family