Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   now on Farmville and has opened a McDonalds near your Farm... this could explain your missing livestock...

   My first day of fantasy camp turned out to be my last when I found out the "Jugs Machine" wasn't what I envisioned at all.

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Taking singles to the strip club

   I've come here to chew bubble gum and get laid. Looks like I'm all out of bubble gum.

   Where do you go if you're addicted to rehab?

   Claustrophobia-The fear of Santa Claus

   what would the world be like if everyone went back to their own country?

   I think the moonwalk should be part of the field sobriety test. Take away saying the alphabet backwards clause.

   Cam Newton's winning the Heisman surprised no one - especially Julian Assange, who knew about it a month ago.

   still wondering what Chet did to get his nuts roasted on an open fire.

   Just took a duce so big and hard I think it was my first gay experience

   that was a sweet lifeguard job till the stupid blue kid got me fired.

   I now know why women close their eyes during sex. They cant stand to see a man enjoy himself.

   my mum thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your uncle just died. LOL."

   If men fall sleep so quick after sex, why is it so hard to catch rapists ? :p

   I'm looking for a women who loves me for my money but isn't good at math

   A chinese couple had a black baby guess what they named him? Sum ting wong

   polishing up the ole' Festivus Pole

   hasn't had sex since the last time you were out of town.

   We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong.