Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't Facebook and drive!

   I'm dreaming of a 90 degree Christmas

   I just found a Christmas present from last year for the kids....... should have seen their little faces when they opened it...poor little kitty!

   Step 1) Install coal stove. Step 2) Be naughty all year. Step 3) Wait on santa to deliver so I can heat up the house.

   I'm thinking about suing the US postal service over their slogan "If it fits~It ships".... If that were true I'd be on my way to Hawaii right now.....

   the one question that baffled researchers for ages..where are my keys?

   The first Monday night game in Detroit in almost 10 years and the Lions aren't even playing in it!"

   Sociologists say San Francisco's birth rate is projected to decline sharply in the next decade. I'm actually rather surprised San Francisco has a birth rate.

   I always try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

   So if the Mayans are right, does that mean this is the last Christmas to be visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future?

   Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

   what does the Vikings football team and the Metradome have in common? They both collapsed under pressure this year

   There is no end to the lengths that Brett Favre will stoop to protect that streak of his. He must have been up all night cutting away on the roof of the Metrodome.

   ♫ Oh the weather outside is weather.... ♫

   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

   exploring the relationship between mistletoe and camel toe

   It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

   It doesn't matter if you win or lose until you lose

   *<[:{D> ho ho ho

   Already got my Halloween costume idea for next year...I'm reusing my Chewbacca costume from this year, putting a tight dress on it and going as Khloe Kardashian