Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tonight reinforced my long standing belief: In regards to females, Single, Sane, Attractive. Pick two.

   Poems that don't rhyme are just really weird sentences that make people feel awkward.

   To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

   I don't understand why people buy Christmas trees just to throw them away a month later. Do they think Christmas trees grow on trees?

   I dont even call it a hangover anymore. I just call it ''morning''.

   not looking for a slut....just someone with slut-like tendencies.....

   So if Jesus came down from heaven, do you think the Ghostbuster's Proton Packs would work on him?

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*

   Be patient girls, Cinderella didn't find her Prince Charming till the end.

   Sometimes the feelings we start to have again are feelings that never really went away in the first place.

   Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything.

   Mark Zuckerberg, let me get this straight... you went out of your way to fix Facebook, when there wasn't a problem, and didn't put a dislike button... why? You made all those changes... wouldn't hurt to make one more... right?

   Thank you Facebook, for making stalking a little easier for everyone by copying comments we've written on other posts under our own recent activity so there's absolutely no privacy left.

   ever since watching the SNL skit, I can never hear BOC's "Don't Fear The Reaper" without thinking - "Man, that song could use some more cowbell!"

   Getting into Heaven is easier these days then getting on an airplane.

   The snow term "Ass Deep To A Tall Indian"...has me profiling these people...

   rihanna- ''oh na na whats my name, oh na na whats my name, oh na na whats my name..." chris brown- Damn. Did I really hit her that hard?

   I'm eating cold soup with a fork. Windows 7 was my idea.

   Dear Facebook Staff, I really dont like the fact that my wife can now see what I post on my girlfriends page.

   Worst sex I ever had? With a girl that punched me in the face every time she climaxed.Wasn't that that bad until I realized she was faking.