Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who among us has not proclaimed into the whir of a fan, "Luke. I am your father."

   Oh the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' nose. Winter Blows Winter Blows Winter Blows

   *<]:{ > Dear Santa, This year all I want for Christmas is thick hair and a thin body and please don't get it backwards like you did last year [:p

   I'm hosting a rave in Rome, Italy. What a Riot!

   The day I confuse the Google search box with my Facebook status update box will be a tragic, life changing and possibly fatal one.

   You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.

   Know how I know there's no such thing as soy milk? Because there's no soy titty, is there?

   When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left

   Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks.

   Women get $5000.00 for donating eggs. Men get fifty bucks for donating sperm. Fifty bucks? I got a towel next to the bed that's worth $200,000.00

   Getting a fat girl drunk is expensive, it's like filling up a Winnebago with super unleaded.

   The Christmas package of Wild Turkey now comes with bail money and pants.

   WoW. Think about that word. WoW backwards is WoW. And WoW upside down is MoM. And MoM upside down is dad's favorite thing

   Tis the season again, the first snow! Please let me say to all idiots who think that since they have an SUV you somehow gain super powers and are invincible, TIRES ON ICE ARE TIRES ON ICE your 4x4 this doesn't stop you from sliding on ice you morons!

   Did I accidentally log into the Grand Wizards Facebook profile page this morning?

   Sorry To Hear The Size Of Your Snow Angel Made You Realize You Need To Go To The Gym.

   Beginning to think that Al Gore is lying about global warming

   Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

   I just want it to snow already! I'm dying to make snow angels face down!

   White girls get pregnant and get their own season of 16 and Pregnant but when Black girls get pregnant they get 30 minutes of Maury.