Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im not an angry person...but that chick singing christmas carols in the hyundai commercial makes me want to punch a sleeping baby in the face!!!!

   Lindsay Lohan? Yeah, I'd hit that......in the face....with a shovel.

   Officially became an organ donor today. Unfortunately, instead of saving anyone, I think they'll probably just be used for those "after" pictures

   An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.

   my therapist said maybe my intimidating beauty was the reason I never get asked out...so gaining weight & going bald will work??

   Spending Christmas in a little town called Red Bud. I'm sure it will be a fine holiday experience.

   if I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I will definately be on the naughty list...

   Girls just wanna have fun? Yeah right, just try and not get her a Christmas present and see where that gets ya.

   Oh the weather outside is frightful, but my scotch is so delightful

   Always remember that no matter how bad you are, you are not totally useless, you can still be used as a bad example.

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome

   Likes being vague.. because its almost as fun as doing this other thing..

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

   Vodka+Ice damages your kidney. Rum+Ice damages your liver. Whiskey+Ice damages your heart. Gin+Ice damages your brain. Damn Ice, how much more damage can you cause?

   slipped on the ice today. After landing I looked, but couoldn't find my keys, wallet, or watch. It must have been black ice.

   My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.

   If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner??

   There's gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."

   This is a Facebook wall, not a knitting class. You don't come onto my wall, drop a challenge and leave.

   I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.