Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.

   Friends are like boobs: some are real, and some are fake.

   LGBTQ: Liquor, Guns, Bacon, Tits and Quicksand.

   Was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

   Dog: You know that feeling you get when you do something wrong and you feel so bad about it that you can’t think of anything else for the rest of the day? Cat: no.

   Audit finds half of Joe Biden’s Twitter followers are fake.

   We never had a baby formula shortage until men started getting pregnant.

   I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

   The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

   Hey, how long has it been? Not long enough.

   The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

   Don’t take your kids to Disney World this summer, they don’t deserve your money or your support.

   When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

   My tongue itches, can I scratch it on your baby maker?

   Got up at 5am, 8 mile run completed, made a vegetable smoothie for breakfast…. Can’t remember the rest of the dream.

   A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

   I see…. and is the “Orange Man” in the room with us right now?

   If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn’t at work.

   A big shout-out to ATM fees, for making me buy my own money.

   Stop calling yourself hot; the only thing you turn on is the microwave.