Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sarah Palin on fact-finding mission to Arkansas: "We need to find out why birds are dying before they can be shot."

   On my 8th slice of pizza watching the bigget loser!! Time to make a change!! Where's the remote??

   Well, I guess people in Arkansas don't have to worry about bird flu this year...

   I think that all P0rn movies could have the exact same title....."Sh t That Will Never Happen to You"

   what if she has a boyfriend.. Soccer has a goaly too ;)

   flights booked, lawyer called, cars ordered, mansion picked out.....now I just need my lotto numbers to hit!!!

   while it is true there are plenty of other fish in the sea, its also true most aren't even close to being a trophy.

   I am so glad they make smart phones for dumb folks like me! Make me realize how slow I really am. 50,000 apps to choose from and I have trouble figure out what to make for frigging dinner.

   No status avalible, damaged brain cells need time to be restored due to the excessive amount of holiday drinking

   Im not crazy, my reality is just different then yours. :)

   Come on ppl what a bad start to the new year pull ur socks up and get funny already

   My mother never understood the irony in calling me a ”son-of-a-b!tch.”

   It's 2011, you think we would have toothpaste the doesn't ruin orange juice by now.

   Scientists remain baffled over the reason why thousands of birds fell from the sky in an apparent mass suicide....... And in other news, Rosie O'donnell was seen hang-gilding naked over Arkansas.... Film at 11.......

   Does anyone find themselves singing hollaback girl anytime they need to spell the word bananas?

   Ask: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" (No.) Wink.

   baby showers are ridiculas you have un protected sex and now I gota buy you a gift? Ive been having unprotected sex for years all I ever got was hurt feelings

   When an old lady pokes you at a wedding and says "you're next"....just do the same to them at a funeral.

   Hey Lady gaga! Madonna called, she wants her style back.

   I'm sitting on my couch and updating this status from my cell phone just so my friends think I leave my house occasionally