Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tried to hang myself with a clip-on tie. Broke both of my legs

   GTL,.......just had a grinder and a taco, and now bout to finish my laundry

   was stopped outside BOOTS chemist by a woman with a clipboard who asked "Can I ask you what products you use for grooming" you should have seen the look on her face when I replied "Sure... Haribo Sweets, Internet Chatrooms and a Small Puppy"

   Stretch before sex , lots of people get hurt like that.

   Did the world end while I was sleeping? Because my room looks like and earthquake came through. I guess they have Facebook in hell.

   likes the video of james and wade mocking dirk...i also like the one where dirk mocks them...oh wait there aint one because they aint never around during this series!!!

   I breathe the Dollar Sign_:-$

   •Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

   This week is Nude Recreation Week, in related news today is Cheer Up The Lonely Day and World Population Day. I think this is an excellent combination because if you play it right you can celebrate all 3 at one time!

   Message to Scotland Yard Canteen Manager: Please wear a suit to work tomorrow, as you are now their highest ranking employee.

   Boys night out,my friends are great..we all know how to really party! :thanks -jack daniels,jim bean,jose cuervo,jimmy walker

   I like "rolling in the deep" .

   May the road stay straight when the driving is up to you May you not get pulled over after you have thrown back a few May the sun rise and not find you still flat on you face And may the rain hold off until you can crawl into your place Cheers.

   Cops never say "thanks for speeding and keeping us employed". It's just plain selfish.

   Hey Honey... Remember that trip to Yellowstone we have planned this weekend?....

   If your kind of fun doesn't involve bruises, then you are not having the right kind of fun.

   drinking box wine, eating macaroni and watching p0rn

   Due to your inability to put dishes in the dishwasher, I am diagnosing you with Dishleprophoia - Fear of being trapped inside a dishwasher...

   Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach.

   Life got 4 steps. 1: you belive in santa. 2: you don't belive in santa. 3: you are santa. 4: you look like santa