Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   still has a crush on Winnie Cooper.

   how you doing(in that guy with the golden voice kind of voice)

   got fired today but is planning on showing up to work tomorrow anyway hoping they forgot...

   Statistically in 2010, 43,869,800 people changed their relationship status to single yet I am still sitting home alone on Saturday night??

   Dear other countries, we can't explain Jersey Shore's popularity either.

   ‎9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

   When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they're being annoying little bastrds.

   No matter what I do... I always end up back to Facebook... I try to look for other things to do online... but apparently seeing other peoples statuses, conversations, pictures, videos, and occasionally getting poked entertains me...

   Do people comment on picture 57/109 from a year ago because they want you to know they're a stalker?

   Idiot-[id-ee-uht] noun: One who disagrees with me. Synonyms: Fool, Half-wit, Imbecile, Twit, Moron

   Nothing funnier than a pissed off mall cop on a Segway. With those goofy helmets on, I just can't take them seriously.

   If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.

   's words to live by: Treat everyone you meet with dignity and respect but always have a plan to kill them.

   Sky Sports – “David, you are planning a return to the Premier League, you have only ever played for one other team being Man United; have you thought about the stick?” David – “Yeah, she'll get used to it, she loves London.”

   I have finally been diagnosed...!!! I have a serious condition known as "Awesomeness" but don't worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious!!! ;)

   First the dead birs in Arkansas, now the 2 million dead fish in Maryland. Are we in a Michael Bay disaster movie?

   beginning to think that this whole "being an adult" thing is not as fun as I had envisioned as a child, except for the alcohol part.

   whoever believes this 2012 crap about the world ending.......i mean seriously.....maybe the Mayans just figured it was already thousands of years past their time so why keep counting..........just sayin.......

   A movie about Justin Bieber's life? I am looking forward to part 2, "From Puberty To Obscurity."

   so I go to walmart and see two problems, 1. they have a justin bieber doll and 2. you press his crotch to hear him sing...