Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A recent study has shown that two in one people are schizophrenics.

   Everyone is calling me and texting me saying some big idiot is running down the road with nothing but a diaper on..where are you going?

   Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend? A. You can drop her off where ever you want!

   From the moment I saw u, I wanted to be inside u, I love ur smell, the way ur tongue feels, the way you tighten and loosen mmm..NEW SHOES

   When you die, they'll bury you face down, so that you can see where your going.

   pretty sure he knows folks who stood in line for second helpings of 'special kind of stupid'.

   told the dog it is weird that he follows me into the bathroom all the time. So he walked out. Now I'm weirded out that he speaks English.

   thought he saw a ninja while driving home today - turned out to be just a light pole...or was it?

   a member of the Jehovah's Witness protection program.

   NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

   knows the world cannot end in 2012, because my GNC protein bars expire in 02/2013

   how come when I fart you say eww but when you fart, its ok

   I'm just sitting here thinking of all the absolutely incredible things that I could accomplish this year. That is, of course, if I gave a sh/t....

   I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......

   Google Earth: Helping stalkers since 2004.

   celebrating Elvis style tonight....putting on his cape and bringing extra scarves for the ladies.

   Marshawn Lynch just became the first caveman to score a touchdown in Seattle playoff history.

   Thought I was inconsonant. Turns out I have irritable vowel syndrome.

   I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as me.......

   Ke$ha, Why dont you clean your face before you make a ''music'' video?