Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone go take out a famous black guy so we can get another day off next year

   Another WASTED DAY that the kids could be using to make up a snow day and a day I could be getting some stuff done , but damn near everything is closed.

   When God created Adam and Eve, did they have belly buttons?

   Romeo and Juliet are morons for listening to thier hormones. and the fact the world romantizes this story is beyoned comprehension then again, Twilight proves that the romanticization of stupid teenage obsession is still alive and well

   Starbucks is coming out with a new larger size cup...the Trenta. Which is Latin for *I Have To Pee*.

   Wow! She has a nice pair of golden globes!!

   still waiting for Spaceballs II: The Search For More Money to come out.

   Why are the people in herpes commercials always so chipper and happy? Does the pill make them forget they have herpes?

   how does every black joke start? by looking over your shoulder.

   still embarrased about what I did for a klondike bar....that was 2 years ago leave it alone people..........

   My least favorite part of Sunday mornings is being hungover when you have to find a place to hide the body.

   a friend is someone that cares but a facebook friend is there for you even when there sick in bed

   Got MLK?

   Missed the golden globes...My life is over... Now I only have 20 other award ceremoniess to watch that pertain to the same thing.

   Private eyes....Are watching you....Listening to your every move....

   Taboo jeopardy is a lot more fun to play. Maybe because I know the answers.

   If I ever kick the bucket, can I get one of you to wipe out my computer and empty the top drawer next to my bed?

   The Golden Globes are on, wonder if Charlie Sheen will win for 2 and 1/2 men or is that One man, 5 hookers, lots of Alcohol and a bag full of cocaine..

   Be quite brain or I will stab you with a Q-tip

   Tom Brady has to go home and plow his Super Model wife now cause it will be the only was he is scoring anytime soon