BEGO Funny Status Messages

   My room is about as organized as the Walmart $5 DVD bin.

   Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.

   WORD OF ADVICE: The key to a lasting relationship is keeping the fights clean and the sex dirty.

   99% of girls are hot. The other 1% go to my school.

   Women are like horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and they're usually wrong.

   Renewing your wedding vows is like agreeing on a double life sentence to prison.

   The words that make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life = "I need to talk to you."

   My 20 year high school reunion is in a few months. I need help with making up some amazing crap that I've done.

   We can't help but to start liking the girls that become our good friends. Too hard to find girls that just like to have fun these days.

   Send message without subject? Yes, Gmail. f$ck off.

   There are always two ways to look at things. I prefer to look at them my way.

   I can't think of one nice thing to say about you....a million maybe, but not just one.

   Carry yourself like a queen and you will attract a king! Carry yourself like a hoe, and see how far you will go.

   Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.

   Tip on getting a raise at work: Every day eat a cup-a-noodle soup for lunch and make sure to mention how you need to save half, because you know you will be hungry tomorrow.

   If two past lovers remain friends, it`s either someone is still in love, or someone is still hoping for a second chance.

   Girl on Facebook statues : I want a guy that actually give a s**t about me. Guy on comment : I thought about you while I was taking s**t .. does that count ?

   Friend: Do you want to go to a strip club? Me: Maybe. Do they have Wi-Fi?

   Yesterday I went to see a shrink about my Facebook addiction, everything was going smoothly and I was on the road to recovery until he asked me, What's on your mind? Damn it

   The people in horror movies would live a lot longer if they listened to me in the audience.