Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hold my beer and watch this.

   I don't like to brag about expensive trips I go on but that last trip to the gas station really cost me.

   Far more deadly than any gun is the human brain. Will they make brains illegal soon? Some of you don’t need to worry about that.

   Orion's Belt is a huge waist of space. OK, bad joke. Only three stars.

   Brain: Don’t press send! Heart: But, we’re in love. Brain: We only met her yesterday!

   Sometimes, not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.

   The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

   Driver: My pronoun is they. Police: Then here’s another ticket.

   When you’re alone, the outside world is moving along without you. You’re also moving along in your own world, without them.

   A woman is like a tea bag; you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

   You can’t be late until you show up.

   Her: He’s probably thinking about other girls. Him: Ahhhhh…French Vanilla Rocky Road! Chocolate, Peanut Butter, Cookie Dough! Scoop, there it is! Scoop, there it is! Scoop, there it is! Annnnnnnd…. SPRINKLES!

   The movie Pretty Woman will now be known as, “She’s pretty, but I don’t know if she’s a woman… I’m not a biologist.”

   It’s called Karma, and it’s pronounced ~ Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha.

   Love conquers all things, except poverty and a toothache.

   It hurts when you start to unfriend someone and find out that they’ve already beaten you to it.

   Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glovebox. Easy there Indiana Jones, I’ll just Google it.

   What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? ANSWER: It took 95% of the Obummer bumper stickers off the road

   To mix things up, take her wig off and put it on your head.

   Her: My throat hurts doc. Doctor: I bet your knees hurt too.