Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Driver: My pronoun is they. Police: Then here’s another ticket.

   When you’re alone, the outside world is moving along without you. You’re also moving along in your own world, without them.

   A woman is like a tea bag; you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

   You can’t be late until you show up.

   Her: He’s probably thinking about other girls. Him: Ahhhhh…French Vanilla Rocky Road! Chocolate, Peanut Butter, Cookie Dough! Scoop, there it is! Scoop, there it is! Scoop, there it is! Annnnnnnd…. SPRINKLES!

   The movie Pretty Woman will now be known as, “She’s pretty, but I don’t know if she’s a woman… I’m not a biologist.”

   It’s called Karma, and it’s pronounced ~ Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha.

   Love conquers all things, except poverty and a toothache.

   It hurts when you start to unfriend someone and find out that they’ve already beaten you to it.

   Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glovebox. Easy there Indiana Jones, I’ll just Google it.

   What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? ANSWER: It took 95% of the Obummer bumper stickers off the road

   To mix things up, take her wig off and put it on your head.

   Her: My throat hurts doc. Doctor: I bet your knees hurt too.

   I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

   If you’re going to do something that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

   Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.

   It’s better to appear strange to others than to be a stranger to yourself.

   War is God’s way of teaching us geography.

   If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.

   Friends are like boobs: some are real, and some are fake.