Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I throw my Skittles in the air sometimes sayin aaayooo, taste the rainbow!!!

   attempting to cook a blackbean & chicken rice dish but can't see with all the thick black smoke and as for these bloody alarms ringing in my ears, saying that it must smell good, 8 men have just piled out of a red truck are trying to break down my door

   facebook should have a "like" button and a "like omg" for blondes

   's son has been looking for his Nintendo DS for the last month.Last night we found it in the bushes in front of the house.Kids: you can't live with 'em, you can't beat them over the head with their neglected portable gaming systems to teach them a lesson.

   - Thankfull its only blood. Thought I was a tomato!!!

   ☃ 66 ℉ in my home and ☀ 89 ℉ out side my door...Hmmmm Think I will stay on this side of the door today... ヅ

   love me or hate me either way your still.thinking about me

   Don’t be so quick to judge Donald Trump’s weight. I just found out he was Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s surrogate.

   Trump surely kept your whiney ass from being run down today. Youre welcome.

   Russia lodged a formal complaint with the United Nations over a U.N. official's condemnations of Trump. Proof that Trump is Putin's puppet.

   Hillary is so evil it's stupid and Donald is so stupid it's evil.

   You don't get to be both a Nazi and a proud American. We literally had a war about this. THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

   Where's the civil war you morons promised? I'm waiting...

   Gee, I wonder what idiot hired a guy who had to be “terminated in 11 days from a position he was totally in capable of handling.” What kind of moron gives people government jobs that they have no skill set to handle?

   Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!

   Hi, my name is Kim, and I am an LOL addict. I have finally hit rock bottom and am ready for treatment. LOL

   I'd give Natalie Portman the bone but she'd have to eat a few cheeseburgers first.

   Dear Kim Kardashian.... Paris Hilton sings better than you!

   i wonder how mant people us FaceBook to establish an "Alibi"?!?!? Hmmm , off to work!!

   You know you're drunk when you're at the bar. And everytime you're trying to find the bathroom feels like the first time you tried to find the bathroom