Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Will Facebook for money.

   After telling a joke to a little sad kid, he simply asked back " do you know why the chicken crossed the road?" I said no why? He said " Because you were telling the joke at the chicken side". The end and he walked away. :/

   I am doing a hook rug of Bart Simpson. I REFUSE to use black and yellow. (Pittsburgh SUCKS!) Instead I am using Brown and Orange. (Die hard BROWNS fan!) Bart is ending up looking like Snookie.

   so my xgirlfriend just caught me banging her sister, this is a good time for the kool-aid guy to jump through the wall

   All right, let's solve this once and for all. It was ME who pushed Humpty Dumpty, I also took Little Bo Peeps sheep for ransom, I was the one who let the dogs out and stole the cookies from the cookie jar. So there!!"

   With Thanksgiving coming up..this year I thought I'd try something new, so my friend took me turkey hunting and I shot one! We had a ball but sure scared Hell out of everyone in the frozen food department!

   id rather check my facebook than face my checkbook!!!

   We No Speak Americano, we speak Canadiano

   "The summit meeting went so well that putin is thinking of letting trump be president for another four years."

   And all this time I thought Ariana Grande was a new drink at Starbucks.

   : trump the me, me, me, it must always be all about me and only me president.

   That women's march looked like a 200,000 bagger...

   Getting exercise by marching is Trump's new healthcare plan . What an idiot

   Just for the record, a book filled with executive orders and congressional initiatives is not a comprehensive healthcare plan.

   Never compliment a woman on her mustache, No matter How epic it is .

   I got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

   Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

   Trump is cool because he doesn't play by the rules, and says what he wants. Cruz is shunned because he didn't play by the rules, and he said what he wants?

   There's like nothing stopping any of us from booking a room at a Trump hotel and canceling 24 hours in advance.

   "Daddy, can you run for President and get rid of the estate tax so that I inherit an extra billion dollars?"