Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Heading to Victoria's Secret® to grope the Mannequins..Anybody need anything??

   the 7 deadly sins? ummmm....male camel toe, double dipping, backseat driving, gossiping, donkey punching, stink and not having a bell on your bike

   What's this I hear about some 19 year old girl getting Justin Bieber pregnant? Is it possible that 2 women can pregnate a child?

   The sign says NO DOGS unless handicap assisted...what are you blind?!!!

   I didn't want to be that creepy guy, so instead of gawking at the woman at the gym, I licked the sweat off her treadmill.

   I walked into a pet shop this morning and said, "I'll have that cute little kitten over there please." "A present for somebody?" asked the assistant. I said, "Yes, it's my pitbull's birthday."

   I bet Abraham Lincoln killing vampires isn't half the movie as my idea about Bill Clinton destroying beavers.

   OH, IT'S ON NOW! -me, every time I switch the lights on.

   It's important to have goals in life. When you want to get something accomplished, the majority of your energy should be focused on accomplishing that goal. That's why everything I do is about trying to get laid.

   White Parent: “you embarrassed your family for fighting at school!” Black Parent “Who won?”

   Life is all about a card game. Choosing the right cards is not in our hand. But playing well with the cards in hand, determines our success.

   AIR GUITAR for sale ...any offers?

   accidentally ordered the Chewbaco at Jack in the Box…it's terrible I found a huge hair in my wookie taco.

   My girlfriend is out with her husband tonight. Of all the nerve!

   I should be sitting in prison right now on charges of arson. Luckily for me, the judge died last night in a 'mysterious' house fire.

   I just told a women she had an Hour Glass shape and I wanted to play in the sand.. Still single.....:(

   I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed.

   Dick Cheney underwent a heart transplant operation??? Wow! That proves he did have heart in the first place...

   worst pain ever!.... just slipped, did the splits, and ripped my gooch!

   I'm going to change my name on facebook to 'NOBODY' so that anytime I see any boring status I will 'LIKE' it. It'll say 'NOBODY LIKES THIS'