Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the waitress doesn't have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.

   Despite their name, riot police don't have much of a sense of humor.

   Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worthwhile.

   I JUST SAW SOMETHING THAT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER. THREE SIMPLE WORDS....... ON NBC ..... "RIVERDANCE ON ICE"..... YOU HAD ME AT RIVER...

   at the zoo today with all the little kids running around, oh wait a minute its just Walmart.

   I want my angel of the morning to be naughty in evenings.

   I'm sorry, I didn't hear my phone ring. Your profile pic is too loud!

   The only thing some people can achieve on their own is dandruff.

   Fire hazards are never a good thing. Except maybe in golf. That would be awesome.

   Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre.

   wonders if shaving one's head make one truly aerodynamic and thereby fuel efficient? And - can I claim that as a deduction on my taxes?

   when you ask a person "do you miss me" and they respond by saying "Do you miss me". that mean there answer is going to depen on what your answer is, smh people.

   Please don't tell my three year old his oversized black calculator isn't really an iPad. He'd be crushed to learn his dad lied to him.

   Stupid mistakes are made by others. I only make unavoidable errors

   Do you want to speak to the woman in charge or to the man who knows what's going on?

   Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”

   The tire on my car is shaking like a stripper!

   My emotional response to getting tagged in a Facebook photo could be nominated for an Oscar.

   "Just going on the computer to check one thing!" - Me, three hours ago.

   Caffeine and nicotine; breakfast of champions!