Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what you don't see alot of? Black North Face jackets. It's like nobody owns one.

   I'm going back to Mexico soon and my friends are telling me to not drink they water. Like I'm really going to drink anything but beer and liquor anyway. The don't know me at all.

   No matter what butcher you go to, you will always get a raw deal.

   You know what baby you have been with me through all the bad times.When I got fired you supported me,when my business fell you were there.When I got shot, you were by my side.Well now that I think about it I think you bring me bad luck!!I think

   whats the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered womens shelter? The dishes if she knows what good for her!

   Jersey Shore is proof that the Zombie Apocolypse has started and the feast has begun

   Daytona 500 today! In related news, I'm watching some paint dry.

   I wish you people would punctuate and capitalize your sentences correctly. It makes copying and pasting easier.

   You can keep your justin bieber I only listen to bands like ZZ top at least I know they can grow facial hair

   prentends to be a russian gymnast when left alone in a elevator

   What does A gay horse eat? Heeeeeeyyyy!!

   Congratulations, since the Zombie Apocolypse occured you no longer have anyone human to bully you about being brainless...

   If a hungry cannibal choped your head open, there wouldn't even be enough to cover a water biscuit...

   I wouldn't wanna be around when one of the guys from ZZ Top eats an egg salad sandwich.

   they make veggie meatloaf?.... Yeah, better wash that down with a warm O'douls

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you're good. Fool me four times, WOW! Did you major in fooling?

   I'd like to say some wise and meaningful crap, but the fact I just referred to it as “crap” shows just how meaningful I can be.

   I need constant reassurance, right?

   Best episode of CSI ever, If only I have the power to turn things into reality... Justin Bieber would be dead for good!

   I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni.