Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever been driving and you look at your phone and the battery is at 5% and for some reason you think your almost out of fuel?..... Me neither 🙄

   My bucket list..... 1. Bucket 2. Ice 3. 6pk beer.

   My favorite thing is a woman who sticks our her b00bs in every timeline pic, then goes nuts when a guy messages her.

   Men are so weak this days. Girls gotta date like 3 guys to make a full man.

   To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue in their yard........ can you remove them? Every time I pass, I think it's the cops and I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, h

   car salesman: and I'm 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha me: ok phew haha *muffled screaming* car salesman: 100%

   ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it? ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

   Tried a Walmart pizza for the first time tonight and after biting into it I thought I accidentally cooked it with the cardboard they package them in, but it was just the pizza.

   I hear Bart was arrested for dropping a piano on his dad. A case of attempted Homer-cide.

   I can't find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   Technically, you can pick your friend's nose. Probably only once, tho...

   when I am in a store I always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

   The plastic surgeon was quoting patients who had his scrotal enlargement procedure. Yes, they were testi-monials.

   "If during your medical exam your doctor says I need to google this...... It's time to get a new doctor."

   I’ve never had a Popeyes chicken sandwich, but I do enjoyed a little Olive Oyl!

   You know you're fat when your dog lays down in your shaddow on hot sunny days.

   My girlfriend doesn't understand why her Facebook friends don't recognize her in public, which might be because she takes a hundred selfies and posts the best one knowing that she looks like the other 99

   Don't be sad if you're alone on Saint Valentine's Day as it could be worse like how it turned out for poor Saint Valentine who for the love of a woman was imprisoned then beat to death with clubs.

   Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

   I hate when I request a song on the radio then realize I pronounced the artist's name wrong because the artists parents didn't know how to spell it.