Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A chef these days is someone who constantly yells and swears at you in the kitchen.

   Pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

   My girlfriend hit me in the face with a bottle of Johnson and Johnson 'No More Tears' shampoo. I'm claiming 'False Advertising'!

   It's so hot out that I've been sweating more than a drug smuggler going through coustoms.

   "Every month my wife turns into SUCH a monster." "Haha! You mean when she gets her period?" "Huh? No. She's a werewolf."

   My wife makes me wear Crocs to mark her territory.

   Have you ever been driving and you look at your phone and the battery is at 5% and for some reason you think your almost out of fuel?..... Me neither 🙄

   My bucket list..... 1. Bucket 2. Ice 3. 6pk beer.

   My favorite thing is a woman who sticks our her b00bs in every timeline pic, then goes nuts when a guy messages her.

   Men are so weak this days. Girls gotta date like 3 guys to make a full man.

   To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue in their yard........ can you remove them? Every time I pass, I think it's the cops and I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, h

   car salesman: and I'm 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha me: ok phew haha *muffled screaming* car salesman: 100%

   ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it? ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

   Tried a Walmart pizza for the first time tonight and after biting into it I thought I accidentally cooked it with the cardboard they package them in, but it was just the pizza.

   I hear Bart was arrested for dropping a piano on his dad. A case of attempted Homer-cide.

   I can't find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   Technically, you can pick your friend's nose. Probably only once, tho...

   when I am in a store I always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

   The plastic surgeon was quoting patients who had his scrotal enlargement procedure. Yes, they were testi-monials.

   "If during your medical exam your doctor says I need to google this...... It's time to get a new doctor."